Forgotten Memories
by Bolinlover123
Summary: The war is won and the brothers are visiting Korra's family in the South Pole. Bolin's POV. Everyone around him is so happy; then why was he so miserable? Korra, eager to have them meet her family, but the visit just brings our poor earthbender pain and memories as he tries to remember his own mother and father. Korra knows her home is where she belongs. Will Bolin find his place?


"Hey, Bolin! We were wondering where you went; it's so late! Couldn't sleep, huh? Too cold in the South Pole for you city boys? " Korra is smiling and you want to smile, too, with her, like she expects you to. But you have too much ach inside you at the moment that you had just wanted- _needed-_ to get away from everybody that you had met here in the South Pole where you and your brother had been staying for the time being after _his- Amon's_- defeat and death that Korra had shared- gaining mixed feelings from everyone- after she said she had gotten contact from the Sprits that he and Tarrlock's boat had exploded.

At first, you had been happy that those evil men who had hurt dozens of people- including you and the people you love-the _monster _who had taken Korra's bending away, had died. Grateful even. Besides that _fifthly sum bag of a man_ who had killed your parents right in front of you and your brother that horrible night, you never thought you'd want someone to die as much you did those two men.

But then, a thought began to haunt you, one you couldn't get out of your mind.

They..._were brothers. _They _must_ have loved each other at some point, right? The must have started off good.

_People aren't born bad; they let themselves be overcome by evil._

That is what you've always told yourself to get you through all the horrible things you've seen, to make yourself see the good in people. And most of the time it worked, most of the time, you were optimistic.

But a darkness had been clouding your thoughts recently.

You and Mako. In another life, a twist of fate from the Spirits, could those men have been you and your own brother? Could you and Mako have turned out just like them? Were you just like them? Like…Tarrlock?

No. _No_…you couldn't be, _weren't._ Obviously. But the mere thought probed at your heart-strings.

Brothers loved each other. No matter what. Were there for each other. That's what Mako had said. So it was stupid of you to compare yourself and your brother to two madmen siblings. Crazy- that's what you were becoming. The cold here was getting to you. You should really just stop thinking about them. They were gone- dead. The fate they deserved. Korra was giving everyone's bending back. You should be happy.

But you weren't.

And that had all happened two weeks ago and you were still here in the South Pole. Now it was the….you couldn't say what exactly it was that was hurting you so by being here. The people…? No, the people were great! You got along well enough with Bumi, who, in your opinion was hilarious, yet a little too loud and had woken up the baby, causing him to cry countless times. You only wished he would stop clapping you on the shoulder from out of nowhere-as if he were going to mug you and trying to distract you from slipping his other hand into your pocket by being boisterous-it had happened enough times before on the streets- and with his wild hyperness and booming laugh that made you nervous, and you _really_ wished he would stop calling you "Sonny Boy." You were not a boy anymore and you were _not his son._ Not his son at all. You already had a father once. You don't need or want another one. You wanted all the adult males here- Bumi, Korra's Dad, Korra's Uncle- to stop calling you "Son."

You knew it was a term of endearment, but it was like they were trying to hurt you on purpose.

Maybe it was what the people represented. Maybe it was because….that horrible whole in you, the empty part that you could never have back, was so significant and vibrant and loving here; _family._

"_I can't wait for you guys to meet my family! My mom and dad are going to love you!"_

You knew Korra meant well, and that that comment was supposed to make you both happy and excited, but honestly, you were dreading every minute of the boat ride that brought you closer to the South Pole, and that word- _family;_ you were trying to keep your emotions from getting the best of you and burying everything deep, deep down, praying they wouldn't ask _The Questions._

Maybe if you didn't talk, you wouldn't be interesting enough to talk to….

Maybe you could swim back…

Spirits you _hadn't wanted to do this._ You knew Mako had been feeling the same as you; between the anxieties between the two of you, you both could've gone into your own personal Avatar States, flaming rocks flying everywhere. If you weren't so worried at the moment, and if the thought of the Avatar State didn't scare you as much as it did, you might have laughed. But no, no, this was not funny; you were going to see Korra's _parents_, her _family_. This was bad. Bad, bad, bad, bad. Painful memories you have always failed to suppress, being dragged back up, into the pit of your stomach, making your chest hurt, your eyes misty, and no_, no,_ you don't want to go, you can't, you shouldn't, you don't belong with any family, you-

But Korra was so excited. Wanted you to meet them so badly.

She doesn't understand. How could she- anyone? No one could understand how painful even the thought of this experience will be for you.

And Mako- oh, your big brother is so good at seemingly being stoic. And most of the time, you can always read him. But right now, he really doesn't seem troubled by the looming threat of Meeting-The –Avatar's- Parents- And- Family- And- You're- Both- Street Rats –And- The -Only -Parents -You -Want -To –See- Are –Your- Own.

Back to tonight. You couldn't cry then with everyone around you at the dinner table- alone is where you deserve to be with your tears.

And finally, after all this time, and all the years of pain and loss and suffering and _not knowing_, you find yourself asking Korra- the _Avatar_, your best friend, who would have thought?- the most important question in your life that has been plaguing you for years. You know you are going to regret hearing the answer, know that the truth will pain you in ways that aren't anything new to you, know that after hearing the truth from Korra, that your thoughts will never be the same.

But you have to_ know_. Your heart can't take anymore _guessing_ and _wondering _and _made up stories_ that you make in your mind that you_ think_ would be you and your brother's life that you were supposed to have but never could because of _that man- the worthless piece of scum, good- for- nothing- doesn't-deserve- to- live-firebender mugger. _

"Bolin? What's wrong?" she asks, her voice full of concern that very few people in this world have for you.

As you sit there in your misery, trying to muster up the strength to ask her _The Question_; and you don't know what's more numb right now- your feet because you've had to patch up so many holes in your shoes over the years, or your heart.

It's like a physical ach in your body. So now, you know you are finally ready to face the truth of your answer. "Everything is wrong. Nothing is okay anymore." You say so sadly, and you know no amount of optimism can help at this point.

You hear Korra sigh. She steps closer beside you and sits down. "We've been getting worried about you recently. Mako keeps trying to talk to you, but you're never around us… or anyone really. You aren't acting like yourself. You just freaked out at dinner and fled and it really concerned us; Mako and I have been trying to look for you, but I saw you first and I told Mako I would handle it, and he really reluctantly agreed. He loves you so much, he just wanted to comfort you himself- but I told him I would. Tell me what's wrong; I'm your best friend! You know you can tell me anything." She squeezes your shoulder, trying to be of comfort.

You absentmindedly wonder how in the world she isn't freezing without gloves on, but then you realize-despite her being part firebender, because too much cold reduces their bending and body heat- that this is where she is from; the Southern Water Tribe, _her home._ She is probably so accustomed to this weather that no amount of chill or speck of frozen water could ever make her shiver, that Republic City probably feels like a desert to her.

You began to miss the city the moment you started packing. You've never left it before, and you told Mako that you felt you are leaving Mom and Dad behind. He had given you this sad, knowing look, then embraced you tightly, saying that it was going to be alright and you both were going to make the best of it and it would only be two weeks.

Two weeks too many.

And you've realized lately in the past years, that Mako says "_It will be alright", _or_, "It's going to be okay" _automatically, wheather he believes it will be, or not- _esspieaclly_ when he _isn't_ sure. And for some reason, it makes you a little less hopeful, more weary; maybe because you know you're not as naive anymore, and that makes you feel, so, so sad because you just know so many years have gone by.

And then, now, because you know Mako isn't sure anymore, you find yourself saying it to him more and more, wheather you believe it or not, because he deserves the same comforting you do and it's not fair…It's just not fair. How are you supposed to know when it really is alright and when you're supposed to lie? Mako has made so many sacrifices for you, and you don't know how to do the same for him. You feel like the worst brother ever.

"_Yes!"_ You remember Korra had exclaimed, gaze looking out over the edge of the boat, into the horizon, and way out there, you think you saw a village of igloos, people even, tiny as hummer-ants, waving. _"Were finally home!"_

_It must be nice, having people waiting for you when you come back._

Korra's response couldn't have been any more opposite of what you were feeling.

And then, that's when, for the countless time in all these years, yet again your mind begins to haunt you of what a "_home_" would feel like to you, and you cannot grasp the feeling of what was destroyed so long ago, of the once beautiful house that you can never return to. That wasn't your home; you can barely remember it, and somehow, the streets seem more comforting and familiar then going back to that forsaken place that is filled with so many empty, forgotten memories that is much more painful than good. All you know is that when people return to their home after being away for a while, the act…_different_, happy. Content with themselves as they are exactly where they are supposed to be. Like their heart is so open for the world to see, and that no other place in the world exists out of the place that they call this _"home." _

And you don't think you or Mako will ever find that happiness ever again.

You wish you could understand what "homesickness" feels like.

And you are beginning to realize all the things you don't understand- like when Korra said how much she missed her home; how can one be "homesick", if their home is always where the left it and will never leave? They can always go back to it eventually, whenever they wish. Unless they are truly "sick" of their home and hate it there for their own selfish reasons that you can never fathom. It is the people who you miss, not the home. But "familysick" doesn't have as nice a catch to it, and you don't even know what it really means to be a family, so who are you to say?

Someone you felt safe with once told you that home is where your heart is. You remember flashes of golden eyes and a strong, warm, embrace. _Daddy- _you think it was.

But you still don't understand; how can your heart and your home be in the same place if you don't have a home, when every one of the endless alleyways and undersides of bridges were so horrible that they make your heart shatter just by thinking about them? When there is no one or thing you have to make your heart swell and deem a place to your liking, no people who are waiting for you, when you aren't sure if you have enough positive feelings and love in you and towered you, to have a heart anymore? When you don't belong anywhere?

You don't understand. Yet, like a bubble separating you from the outside world, you understand that everyone else _does_ understand, and that is just one more thing that separates you and Mako from Korra's parents, just another way that they will never be able to really love you. And you don't want them to, really don't. How could they ever anyway? It would just be out of pity. You don't want anyone's love except Mako's, your own parents, and Korra's and Asami's. Anyone else's, is fake. Because no matter what people say, no matter how good they are, love is never unconditional, especially to dirty little street rats. They love you, promise to be their forever for you- then they get killed and leave you alone forever. They love you- or seemingly do- then betray you to evil, turning out to be a cruel liar, working with The Monster, a _horrible father_, and try to kill you. So how can love ever be unconditional? Nothing ever comes without a price. To eat, you must steal and work. To survive, you must lie and cheat and steal and beg and work and fight and bleed and cry and groan and move one foot in front of the other and just…keep…going….

Nothing is free. Nothing is without something in return. You cannot trust untill you know for certain.

_People aren't born bad; they let themselves be overcome by evil._ No, you didn't tell yourself that; someone made you believe it. Vaguely, green eyes, just like yours, told you that long ago. To always be hopeful. To always smile. To be a good boy. To always love.

You remember now.

But it's very hard to love when very few people in the world care enough and value your existence enough to love you back. Because no one cares about the poor, raggedy boys, helpless, cold, lonely, hungry, quivering in an alleyway. No one gives them a second thought as they walk by. They don't understand. Two completely different worlds, not meant to collide.

They have their own lives and love and family and home.

Maybe it's just the world that was bad.

_The Arena_, you think. Was_ that_ your home, before Amon and his henchmen destroyed it? Just because you slept there and ate there and lived there while Pro-bending, not even for a _year _after _nine years_ of living on the streets? From your sixth birthday, until last year, when you were fifteen. You aren't sure if it qualifies, just because it kept you alive and happy. It will be rebuilt soon, but you don't have positive feelings about going back anymore like you always thought you would toward it. The Bending Brothers are gone and you have to find new Fire Ferret members- but it's not the same anymore. It's a place to perform, shared by dozens of people who come to watch, and teams who train, who, if go up a staircase, can enter right into all you and Mako have claimed your own. And you just happen to eat and sleep upstairs- so that cannot be your home, right? Just because you have had good times there, doesn't mean it is where you belong. Because the truth is that you have no idea where you belong; you never told Mako this, but you never thought either of you would make it to teenagers. Maybe Mako, but definitely not you. But here you both are, miraculously, after all the hell you've lived through, by some twist of fate, you made it to sixteen, and Mako eighteen.

There you go again with your wondering…you really shouldn't stay quiet for so long; your thoughts are not nice places when alone.

You want to smile a bit because you didn't think that Korra or Mako had been paying any attention to you at all these past few weeks to even pick up on anything un-Bolin-ish. The fact that they did care when you were thinking you were just becoming more and more wasted breath caused a lump in your throat.

But the fact that they had noticed something was wrong was more bad than good. No… you thought you had been hiding it well. You can't bear making Mako and Korra worry. You can't do anything right. You can't bear making people unhappy.

"Bolin?" she asks again, her voice bringing you back to the here and now. Your brain just never seems to want to stay in the present.

"Stop. Please. " She looks at you, a mixture of shock and concern. You turn away, can't face her eyes at the moment.

It's now or never.

You take a deep breath and…You ask _THE QUESTION. _Finally, after all these years, you are going to know The Truth. "Korra?," You suck in a pained breath, the coldness tickling your throat; absentmindedly, the puff of frozen air leaving your mouth reminds you of the first- and _only_- time you had had taken a cigarette offered numerous times by a Triple Threat member. A breeze of choking ash coming out of your coughing, 12-year- old mouth, followed by foodless vomit moments later that got you a slap to the face -a ruby red hand-print painted across your cheek that tingled like a hummer-bee- for soiling the gang member's new shoes.

You shove the memory away, not wanting to be taken in by any more regrets of the past.

"What's it like_, having parents_? What are parents like? All these years since I was six I had always wondered and guessed and tried to make up stuff in my own mind to how they would be, I guess. I just …wanted to have this perfect little family to make me and Mako happy again, you know? And I can't really remember their faces well anymore at all, but it kills me inside everyday to have to wonder and guess and never ever know how it feels to have that- that…that _love and safety_. And I-I guess….I guess a part of me always felt like ,well, if I could come up with it on my own, get my own idea about what having a mom and dad was like, then, maybe I wouldn't feel like I was missing something so important, and then maybe…maybe I could remember them again. Then I –I wouldn't feel like-like the whole thing was _m-my fault_ because the truth is that it was. But the thing is- it's that I can't know. I never can. And it's stupid, but I guess I thought if you told me what is was like and described to me that love, than somehow, in some way, I could actually be_- _be _deserving_ of it, too, and be a worthy son that they could be proud of. But I'm not and I never will be."

She looked at you, her eyes are big and showing so much emotion you feel the world has gone bleak. You turn your gaze away, stare down into your lap, at your fisted gloved hands. She puts a hand to your cheek; gentle, soft. You try not to blush. The opposite of what you had thought her hands would feel because she is so strong and fierce- you imagined them feeling warm like fire, rough from endless bending….but you are glad you're wrong. And you think; all the power and life and energy and love of all the Avatars are in those hands. But then you also know; they are Korra's hands. Because when it comes down to it, that's all you ever need her to be- just Korra, the fierce and lovely Korra.

And how is it, that you know who everyone is that you care about in your life, but you have absolutely, not a sliver of a idea about who you are or your purpose? Because when it comes down to it, who is Bolin? What is he good at? What does he deserve? What is he worth? What has he done and what is his life like?

The answer is always the same: nothing.

"Oh, Bolin…." She starts, "Of course you're worthy and deserve them. Of course they would be proud of you- so, so proud of the person you've become! How could you ever doubt that?" Korra's turns your cheek, making you look at her; blue eye search you, silently asking you to continue with your confession, but you feel like you have spilled every secret part of you out in the open for her, and you are scared because there is nothing else inside you that would ever interest her. What more does she want from you?

_Spirits,_ you told everyone you were over her! You even told yourself that!

So why was it still so hard to look at her, and then turn away once you do see those blue orbs?

Why was it so hard? Why, after every _sacrifice _and _all the pain_ Mako has gone though for you, you have to want with all _your being,_ the one thing that you know you have to sacrifice for _him_, because you know more than anything that he _deserves it?_ How is that fair?

You are starting to think this is the true test of brotherhood. The true test of any person, really. To give up your own happiness for the sake of seeing the ones you love happy. But you've done that your whole life, so why can't you be selfish just this _once?_

Because Mako deserves her more than you. She doesn't even like you as more than a friend, probably like a little brother.

Sacrifice; you know that's all Mako has ever done in his life for you, and you for him with all your love. But this…her…you want this one person for yourself…but you can't.

You just can't.

And then you start to feel selfish, because it isn't Mako or Korra's fault- you're doing this to yourself. You cannot simply make someone like you, cannot assume just because you love a girl and think you are _perfect_ for each other, that she will like you back. It doesn't work that way. Cake and flowers do not work miracles.

You're not Mako.

No matter how hard you try, you can't be like him at all.

But then in the end, it always comes back to everything that's wrong with you, and you comparing yourself to Mako, and you think it's no wonder no one likes you.

You just want to be the best brother ever, but you don't think you ever will be; not when that spot is filled by Mako, 99% of the time.

Then a realization hits you like a rock. You can't believe you didn't realize it before. When Mako told Korra what happened to your parents, did he tell her how it had been your fault? Did he tell her what you did and how it's was your fault he killed them? Is that why Korra doesn't like you- because she knows it's your fault your parents are dead? She probably only tolerates you because your Mako's brother, because she feels sorry for you.

You push it aside. Because your feelings can't matter- don't matter. They never did.

It's over and you are asking "_it"_

You make yourself meet her eyes now. If that was the last color you ever see, you can die happy. You can't stand this _white. _It reminds you of the color of young corpses, not much older than you, littering the alleys, hidden behind garbage cans; too weak to survive the cruelty of winter, and the slow ach of starvation, not lucky enough to have an older brother.

Cold kills everything, slowly and bitterly, freezing every limb with a shade of blue. But so does heat; so quick to eat the flesh, with burns so blistering red, that the skin doesn't even look like your mommy and daddy anymore. So in the end, what gives life?

A hand on your shoulder brings you back to reality. You don't want to think about how your face must've looked.

A pang of guilt hits you- Korra had been so excited to bring you both here, and now your'e ruining it for her. She thought you would enjoy it here and she can obviously see you aren't.

You sigh, big and weary. You feel tired, like you can fall asleep for a month.

"I'm sorry." You tell her, "You were so excited to bring us here and now I'm just ruining it with my mood."

"_No_, don't you _dare_ apologize." She says firmly. "_It's my fault_, I should have realized! Mako's been acting sad, too. I'm such an idiot! I'm so sorry, Bolin. So, so sorry. I can't imagine the pain. But, I'll try my best for you. I'll try to describe for you, okay?"

"That would mean the world to me." You say quietly.

"Okay…" She begins uncertainly, "Well, um…well….having a mom and dad, it's kind of like…."

Your mind takes you back to hours before at the dinner table, surrounded by Korra's family, to why and how you got here, sitting on a patch of snow all by yourself at night in the South Pole.

You've been here for nearly two weeks since the war ended, since the news of Tarrlok and Amon's death from the exploding boat spread through the city like fire, and the people celebrated like mad. Seeing the whole Water Tribe family here, together, happy_, family_- it's driving you insane. And you're trying not be envious and selfish and rude, are trying not to evade her parents every time they see you and smile and put a hand on your shoulder and try talking to you-and you, nervous, timid, sad, you, with a secret pain in your eyes, make random excuses to leave and go find Mako or Korra- but you can't help it.

And the wondering and the guessing start all over again.

If you hear one more, "_Thanks, Mom and Dad! I love you!"_ from Korra or, _"We love you, Sweetheart, good night!"_, see one more smile and hug and kiss filled with love from parent to child, have to pretend that the concept of eating together at an actual table in a home- one that doesn't consist of a cardboard, box, or tent that you had made of earth to try to keep out the snow- with actual chopsticks to eat with, isn't so new and foreign to you that it makes you ach, you are going to _utterly lose it._

Oh, and by the way, you can't just eat when the food is placed on the table; you have to wait your turn to make a plate-_oldest to youngest,_ in that order- say prayers, then eat. You cannot simply grab food like the a wild, starving person you have been forced to be and shovel food on your plate like it's the last you will ever see and start chowing down.

But you did. And you make Korra's family look at you like you were nuts. At least Mako didn't yell at you.

"_How could a smart young man like you not know that_? _Didn't your parents teach you any manners?_ _You act like you've been starved."_ Korra's uncle actually had the balls to ask you, and you- and you could tell Mako too, his amber eyes flicking with a boiling rage- had wanted to give him and piece of you minds. You are normally not a violent person, but your hand very much had wanted to connect with his face at that moment. Korra was silently giving you apologies from time to time_._

How are you supposed to know that? Toza only saved you from the streets and freed you and Mako in the form of the Probending Arena a year ago! If Korra had come to the City only a little earlier, a few months earlier, she would've never met you two. This is the first time you've ever eaten with anyone other than Mako since….Mom and Dad were still alive.

If you must pretend all that and real food and a family to talk to and share the day with isn't so new and privileged for you and doesn't make your insides so_ sick_ with longing that you can't bear to eat anything for one more day, then you are going to into your own personal Avatar State.

Or you might just burry yourself in a hole and stay there until it's time to leave.

Yesterday's incident was horrible. But what happened tonight was so much worse. Then, the worst one yet was yesterday when Korra's mom, all sweet and concerns and so damned _motherly_, see's you're not eating. You don't even know why you weren't- you just _couldn't._ Probably because the fact that you could eat all you wanted and had all this food to your leisure was so….you couldn't even name the feeling. For some reason, the one time you have a feast in front of you, preventing you from starving to death, you feel like the only thing you can stomach is a piece of bread.

They have no idea that for the past nine- nearly ten- years of your life, a piece of bread was a life saver, a gold mine. Something that was a gift from the Spirits when you hadn't eaten in days. But they could never understand. No, what they are doing is acting silly and flinging those pieces of bread that can save children's lives-that you and your brother did desperate things for-at each other's faces like a game. They can just bake more and more, so why not waste the ones here now?

_So much food wasted._ You can feel your heart crying. You almost instinctually dive for the piece that rolled on the floor, starvation so ingrained in you that you are almost confused as to why no one is fighting you over this, trying to snatch it from you- but then you remember this feast in front you and you know they have never had to force down rotten food in their lives. You have to tell yourself that no one here is going to fight you for and steal your food. You've never been so angry in your life; few things spark fury in you and one of them is ungrateful, condescending people.

Your fingers twitch in anxiety as Meelo puts the open flat bread on his head, claiming it a his new wig, giggling. Him and his sister, Ikki, start a mini food fight.

The Spirits are taunting you. Mentally tormenting you and you have no idea why.

This was all so wrong.

You haven't eaten since 8:00 this morning, but you feel you cannot stomach anything now. You feel a sudden urged to run, to bolt, and you would much rather dig through a trashcan right now than watch these gluttons stuff their faces.

You have no idea why. Maybe because you feel you don't deserve all this. Maybe because so few people in your life have ever cared for you and Mako, so you are afraid to accept anything from these strangers that make you feel so uncomfortable, even if they are Korra's family.

Or maybe because you have never felt so sick with anger in all your life and you are afraid you might just cause an earthquake.

But, what happened yesterday was with Korra's mother, and it was horrible.

If you knew what a mother was like, you'd say Senna was great- and not just because she gave birth to the Avatar. Her motherly nature makes you want to run away from here for some reason. You think it's because you are horrified you are going to picture her face on top of your own mother's that you can't even remember for the life of you. That when you try to remember with all your might, Senna or Pema will take her place and….and…..that thought is just too painful to think about. Mako already looks too similar to your Dad in your memories, and he wearing his scarf doesn't help remember clearer.

She called you _"sweetheart."_

No one has ever called you that since you can't remember when. She comes over to you, puts on hand on your shoulder-causing you to automatically flitch- and one on your head like Mako does when you're sick, which makes you flinch more because you have no idea what she's doing, and she says, "Bolin, _sweetheart,_ you're not eating. Are you sick, hon, is something wrong?"

Something in your stomach flutters and you can't talk right and you feel so…so…._sad_….and _confused_…and why is she doing this? You don't understand. She barely even knows you.

_Everything, _you want to say to someone, but not sure who,_ everything is wrong. Nothing is okay anymore. I don't know where I belong. I feel so incredibly lost._

You need someone to tell this to, someone to confide in. But no one seems to ever notice you unless you try to eat, which you don't even know how to do right, appartently.

Your first thought when she asked this was that you better eat everything on your plate because you don't know how long they'll let you stay here, but your second thought was that you did something wrong to bring this adult's actual focus to you and that you better come up with a good excuse for not eating because if she thinks you're sick or you've insulted her, you could get you both kicked out, and then it's back to the streets and they was no way_- no way, oh, dear, Spirits, please, no anything but that_- you were letting that happen again. You'd beg and plead if you had to- not like you haven't been that desperate before.

You wonder if this is how a mother is supposed to act. If, in another life, where you would have been so lucky, this is what your own mother would have done. But you'll never know.

How do you even deserve to wonder when you can barely remember their faces?

You know they were both nonbenders; unforturetly if they weren't, maybe they would be alive today. But you can't recall which is which. Was you father from Fire Nation decent or was that Mom? Was it your mother who had green eyes? Does Mako see her whenever he looks at you, or do you resemble your father more, with your wavy hair? What were they're names? No pictures or anything to look back on, the house ruined now- just a red scarf that Mako had to peel from your father's burnt body.

But you say _"It"_._ "It_" being an accident; a total accident. You don't know where_ it_ even came from because you haven't said _it_ in years. It's probably just all mental. Mako probably hates you now.

You didn't mean to, honest.

You call her, the "M" word.

There is something seriously wrong with you. But no one is telling you what it is. All they do is give you these side-long looks like you just came from the Spirit World. You know they are judging you. That's all people have ever done is judge you. Because why would anyone want to know a poor, worthless, little street rat? He could be diseased, or is probably a criminal in a gang, going to rob you. They'll all the same, rotten, dirty, cursed. Can't be saved. Don't make eye contact and keep walking.

_"Daddy," the little girl points, innocent question in her eyes, "Why's that boy sitting in that ally? What's wrong with him?"_

_"Don't look at him, sweetie. He's just a dirty steet rat. Just keep walking, your mother is going to be angry if we are late for dinner."_

You've never felt so out of place and abnormal in your life. And the worst part is, that you don't have it in you to tell Mako any of this. As far as he knows- as far as you _want_ him to know, because you _hate_ when people worry and pity you- is that he thinks you're fine. Or maybe he doesn't. You wish you knew. You wish you were strong enough to tell him half of the things you think and feel _every single_ day about anything….but you _can't. _You just can't. The really pathetic thing is, the only one who knows you- the _real_ you, because that is actually who you tell- is Pabu. Yes. You know how backwards it is. But sometimes, Mako makes it so hard to talk to him.

The "M" word. You could practically feel the earth caving in on you. No one notices you anyway; you're invisible no matter what you do, so maybe if you created a whole big enough and stayed there…

And the thing is that they know. Korra's whole family knows about your past because Mako had asked her to tell them in private before you came to stay. You got a little mad at Mako for asking that when you found out. You actually_ yelled _at him. _Yelled!_ You never yell- and not at Mako. You don't know what came over you as you confessed to him why it made you so upset. But, at least, after you calmed down, he held you close in a hug, comforting, familiar, like a hundred times before, and told you that he understood. He said they wouldn't judge you and to not be worried.

He understood. You feared so greatly that he didn't.

But…does he really?

You had told him that you wished he hadn't asked Korra to tell them because for just _once_ you want people to like you for YOU at first glance, not judge you because of your past and treat you like a fragile, dirty….lowlife street rat… that can't survive. Not pity you, not hate you. People had always known you for _what _you are, for how your lives are as if being an orphan defined you and you were just a _thing._ Or if not that, then from even before those days and sometimes still now even, being "unpure" or "mixed" because you weren't truly Earth Kingdom because your brother was a firebender and half of you is Fire Nation- the dreaded, ruthless, cursed Fire Nation that purged the world into the 100-year War. So you weren't even ever considered a true Earthbender. But just once, you want someone not to know your past, and only know you for how Bolin is; not the past, not what one half is what the other half isn't, not see you sleeping against an ally an turn away disgusted-to just know your name and go from there. Is face value all that bad?

But now that they know, they can't see Bolin. They can't even see you as part of Team Avatar, one of the three who helped stop _Amon_ and save the city from total destruction in an all out _war._ They _Know._ They can only see the poor, orphaned street rat boy with a criminal record, that somehow, for ludicrous reasons, has the balls to think he can step foot in the Avatar's home.

And they're right. You should be working for them or something. Feeding them, dressing them, chewing their food. This is the Avatar's family for Agni's sake! You've been called "worthless" so many times, too many deprecating, insulting names to count, that by now you know when someone is judging you and your brother and classifying them as "urchin" in their mind just by the kind of " face" they make. The Face comes in many degrees and forms but it's always has the same meaning. And half the time that you don't try to defend yourself and Mako, he silently agrees with the Judger because he- not Mako, but he- knows he deserves it. He would never let his brother know that, though.

Before you told your brother that night when you found out that he had asked Korra to tell her family about your past, a mix of emotions were gnawed at you. You thought: What was Mako thinking? Doesn't he see the Looks, too? Does he see the difference of when people Know? Please say that it's not only you who knows. If it's only you who feels this way, you don't know if you'll ever be able to be okay.

After you told Mako though, the older brother tried to reassure you that Korra's family isn't like that and would love you both for who you are. That is the part that you didn't believe. How could Mako know what they think; he can't read minds.

Let the pity party and "Street rat" comments begin. You had just known someone was going to comment on your poor mannerism- which you were trying vigorously to improve on, but you got very little opportunity to, because dinner with you and Mako isn't very fancy in the least, to put it kindly. Or worse; you was going to be asked to read something and you simply won't be able to because education was not something you could ever have and it makes you feel so stupid when those words just do not make sense at all.

You begin to think that this dinner table might just turn out to be where your death with take place one of these nights. At least you'll have people you loves around you when you go.

And- Oh, Spirits! What if they think you and Mako are _criminals?!_

They wouldn't be totally wrong if they did. You've definitely felt like one, acted like one. But what most people don't understand is just because people do some bad things, it doesn't make them a horrible, evil person, and vise versa.

You've both had no other choice but to work for the Triple Threats. Both have had to do things that they aren't proud of, things that aren't morally right, yet justified to anyone in your situation. You've been arrested multiple times, you've both had to gamble, were forced to do drugs and undergo….intimate things….and lauder money. You've had your first- and only- cigarette when you were twelve.

You wouldn't blame them if they thought that. You are a horrible person.

You said it. After Senna had asked you if you were alright. You said it.

"I-I…what? No, no, no! I'm totally fine!" Then you say it, "I'm fine, _mom, _really!"

_Mom._

Senna, Korra's mom, blinks, makes a "Face." You _feel _and see Mako stiffen and give you the most pained, sad face ever. Everyone has stopped eating and takling, looking at you with these, odd, sullen expressions and you know with the utmost certainty, that you don't belong here.

And they Know now. They know, they know, they _know._

You are an orphaned, worthless street rat. Who are you to be in the presence of the Avatar's family, let alone the Avatar Herself? Why has fate brought you and your brother here? You truly begin to question your place, because you could never, ever be good enough in the face of all these important people.

You look at everyone, and then turn to Mako.

You don't understand why everyone is staring at you.

Then…

You realize your mistake. But you can't take it back.

You gasp and get so flustered. Your hands start to shake your breath hurts.

" I- no! No, I mean, _"ma'am"!_ What I meant to say was _"ma'am_"! I didn't mean it like that, honest! Right, Mako? I didn't mean- I-I –I wasn't trying to…_I'm sorry."_

You brother doesn't help you out; stays silent, but you don't blame him. You can tell by the look in his eyes, by his gaze, that he's not there at the moment, but somewhere else, trapped in the past, probably in one of the many abandoned alleyways.

At the moment, you rather be there than here.

_Oh, Sprits, help me._

_How could you say that?! What is wrong with you, seriously?_

You really don't understand how you're still alive.

Senna tries to calm you down, but the damage is done, "Bolin, darling, it's alright! It's not your fault! No one's mad at you!"

You just want to die right then and there. You really do. You are so ashamed.

Start bowing down. Start apologizing. Get on your knees if you have to; pray that they don't kick you out. You never want to sleep outside in an ally again for the rest of your life. Lin Befong intimidates you so much that you're scared one day she's just going to turn on you both, wave your mug-shots and Triad records in your faces, tie a cable around you and give you both jail for life, declaring you criminals.

Senna is looking at you oddly, still._ Please, Ma'am-Your- Highness- miss- Korra –The- Avatar's- mother, please, you can make me go but just let Mako stay, he didn't do anything wrong…_

Not even two weeks and you've already messed everything up. No wonder your brother never lets you do anything.

You actually, almost get on your knees instinctually in pleading position, having had to beg for food or water or old shoes far too many times in your life, far too many habits drilled into you.

Does Mako hate you now? What does he think of you now? From the corner of your vision, you can tell he is looking right at you, but you don't meet his eyes.

But this women isn't going to spit on you, glare at you, scream insults or beat you up just because you had annoyed her with being in her presence and been selfish enough to actually ask her for some food.

No….she looks like….a _mother…_and...

Tonraq looks like_ father…._

At that moment, you think you remember what it feels like to be safe and loved…

Then the moment is gone and you are alone again.

But they will never be your mother and father, because you and Mako both saw it with your own eyes as the mugger laughed and cut them down and you had to keep telling yourself since you were six-years old that, "_Mommy and Daddy are dead Mommy and Daddy are dead Mommy and Daddy are dead and they are never coming back and they are dead dead _dead…."

And now everyone is making The Face at you. The _Pity Face_ that you have gotten countless times that you hate down to your very core. Anything is better than that. You rather Mako yells at you now. In fact, you _want_ him to, because you can't understand why he hasn't said anything or reacted in some way.

You just don't understand. Everything is a big ball of confusion.

If Mako is feeling half of the awkward jumbled up pain and emptiness that you have been feeling from all of this- which you have no doubt he does- he still hides it well. But Mako can plainly see the pain in you from this because you could always read each other and when you are sitting down during this time, trying to put the reality of it all to process through your head, he tries to comfort you with the look in his eyes, trying to say- in a way that only you can read because you are his brother_- I'm sorry, Bo. I know. I know. But it's going to be okay. Just look at me, and don't look at them, all right? I'm right here._

And least that's what you try to get out of it. And because Pabu isn't allowed inside during this time and you can't even have his safe feeling of warm fur on your leg to comfort you. You know you and Mako will talk about this later and you will most likely cry, though. You don't want to bother him with it, though, so mostly you do your crying and thinking and guessing outside, alone, where you can't hear the happy laughter anymore because the earth around you is trembling too much to the beat of your pain.

This wasn't your life. This was someone else's and you just couldn't belong here. You wanted to go home- to the only home you had ever known, if you can guess what a home would be like- the attic on top of the Arena. But it was destroyed and hasn't been rebuilt yet.

And you don't know what you are doing wrong. No one is looking at Mako oddly- only you. Somehow, he knows how to act. Everyone is ooking at you like you have never seen this much food before- and you haven't. Looking at you like you don't belong here- because you don't. Giving you side long glances as you stare at your bowl that is still half full, while your mind plays through all the different ways that Korra and her parents and her and Aunt and Uncle and her very depressed and creepy looking twin cousins are acting .

Whom of which you were told are a girl and a _boy_, two actual people and not one, only _after_ when you were shocked that one of them came out into the "**Boy's Bathroom"** when you were washing your hands and you had to give a double- no, _triple_- take to make sure you weren't seeing things and wonder what_ she_ was doing in here and _Spirits, what is she doing, why is she taking off her __**pants **__and…oooohh….Oh my, weasel monkey! Spirits, __**She **__is a __**He**__!_ Yep, yep you are pretty sure only guys can have those…err…parts…

His hair is very long in your defense, and he didn't say anything to you during this…um…moment, so you have no idea what his voice is like. Didn't even look at you.

_His _name is Desna.

You ran out of their like a freak.

You don't know how to explain the whole in the wall. You just- lost control. But how in the name of Yue was that made of earth?! Everything was supposed to be snow! They are in the South Pole! And if that doesn't get you kicked out, then the only explanation is that they are slowly trying to gain your trust until they lock you here forever and never let you leave. Honestly, you don't know which is worse.

Spirits, you just want to go home! You can't stay here any longer, _please, Mako, why can't we just go back to the Arena?_

And now, because you still can't tell them apart other than their voices and both aren't talking, you are still too humiliated to look at either of them.

Okay, now you say that's_ one_ of the reasons why everyone is giving you weird looks. But what else?

And you can understand that you'd be depressed, too, if people couldn't tell you apart from your twin well enough to not be able to know if you were a girl or a boy. But, hey, his hair is down his back, and he is wearing the same clothes as her and if he wanted people to recognize him, you'd think he'd change his look and seem a little more…manlier! Can they blame you for almost having a heart attack? _Agni,_ those two are going to be the death of you! They seem to like freaking you out. You make a note never to be alone with the two of them. And they seem like the kind that would mistake Pabu for a yummy piece of meat.

You just get an odd vibe from the two of them, like something just isn't right. And you honestly, in the name of Aang, do not understand how they are related to Korra.

But those two …incidents… were yesterday, and you had never had such a humiliating day in your life. First freaking out in the bathroom about the twins, accidentally bending a whole in the wall and hiding afterward, then calling Senna the "M" word at dinner. You had just wanted the day to be over. Getting ready for bed last night, you had apologized to Mako for being such an embarrassing freak. He had been shocked at first, but attempted to comfort you with hugs, hair ruffles and reassurance that in fact you were not that at all, that he loved you so much and that he could never be embarrassed by you. He also replied teasingly that he thought both twins were girls, too.

You went to sleep with a lack of pride, a crush of shame and regret, and feeling like you were being watched.

You're going to use the downstairs bathroom from now on.

But you knew Mako had never been happier in his life, because he had Korra to love and call a girlfriend, who was the Avatar with newly restored bending, the Anti-bending Revolution was over, deeming Team Avatar as the city's heroes, and he had recently gotten a new job on the force as a cop, creating much more money than they ever had so they didn't have to worry if they could afford to pay rent and bills, and most of all, he loved his job and he was so damn _happy._ He was actually enjoying his life for once, and knowing the weight of their survival wasn't on his shoulders. Mako was so happy.

But you had never been more miserable.

But you never let anyone know.

Tonight, before the food comes- know knowing how to wait and make your plate _properly_- you try to meet Mako's gaze from across the table, because that is where you are sitting, purposely to be on the very opposite side from all the family and love and pain that is aching you. You feel most comfortable with Tenzin; you feel his calm demeanor calms you, too- which is why you have been sitting with him these past days. But tonight, you feel you need Mako's comfort more than usual. You don't know why; you just feel the loss more tonight and feel it in your gut that _something_ is going to happen at the table tonight, something you won't like, something that will break you. You wish you could explain but Mako is all the way over there and you words are stuck deep down in you.

_Mako_. You want your brother. Of course he is sitting right next to Korra and all the pain, but you take your chances.

You slowly get up and walk around to be on his left side, with Korra at his right.

"Hey, guys." Your first words in hours, your first forced smile since yesterday.

"Hey, buddy!" Mako greets you, " Finally sitting by us? Was beginning to think I smelt or something.

Oh, dear Spirits, what was this? Mako was joking! Mako hardly ever joked! Eaither he was really happy for some reason you could not fathom because you were miserable at the moment….or you were having one of your countless nightmares…

_Wake up. Wake up…_

"Bolin? Earth to Bolin!"

_Wake up! WAKE UP! That's it. When I open my eyes, I'm gonna be in my bed at the Arena with Pabu, even though, it hasn't been open for months because of Amon, it's gonna magically be all built again! Now just open your eyes and…_

"Bo, what are you doing?"

Your eyes snap open. You are still at the dinner table. You nearly jump out of your skin.

_Monkey feathers!_

Mako just looks at you weird. " Ate you okay?"

"What? Oh, heh. Nothing! Nothing at all! And I'm fine! Just um…hehe…Oh, hey, Korra!"

"Hey, Bolin!" Korra smiles, "Glad to see you ventured over to this side of the table! This is where all the action is- though I have to warn you; I know you like Water Tribe food, but I'd stay away from the sea-prunes and seal- otter. It's real spicy and a bit of an…uh…acquired taste."

Normally he'd laugh and try to best her and brag. Say something along the lines of, _Who, me? Psh, Korra, I've eaten garbage before and rotten stuff countless times, there's nothing I won't try! You see this, right here? _And he would pat his tummy; _I've got an iron stomach! Nothing can penetrate it!_

And they would laugh and his brother would say something to defend this and that would be that. Instead, now he puts his hand on his brother's shoulder as he sits down next to him, and says, "Thanks, Kor! I'll keep a watchful eye."

There, that's safe. And Korra smiles and turns her head as she makes conversation with a man you believe to be her ( rude) uncle.

You squeeze your brother's shoulder and he puts his hand on top of yours and squeezes, too- one of the many gestures that you two used to do for comfort.

Mako keeps his voice quiet, not to draw attention to anyone, "How you holding out, Bo?"

You shrug; give a little twitch of your nose. "Fine." You know he knows this is bad because you don't respond, but you are too ashamed to give him the truth. You manage so say, "The soup is yummy."

He nudges you. "C'mon, little bro. I'm worried about you. You got to tell me how your feeling. You keep avoiding everyone. I know you hate it here. Plus, you just closed you eyes and spaced out really oddly just a second ago…"

Against your better judgment, you snort. Finally, you fess up, tying to keep your emotions quiet, "Your wrong, bro. Huge understatement. I loathe it here. I can't stand it! Everyone keeps looking at me, and the love and the family and- and… it's like a whole other world. We don't belong here! And if Korra hugs and kisses with her mom one more time, I gonna lose it. It's just- It's too much. I'm really sorry, I don't mean to be selfish and I know were really lucky to be here and have stay here with these people for the time being…" You take a slow, deep, breath, "I wanna go back home so much. I can't pretend to like it hear much longer. All the togetherness and parental love…it's making me wish and wonder what it would really be like …and It hurts too much… can we please go back to the city soon? Please? I'm really, really sorry, bro."

Mako looks in your eyes and you know you share all these feelings. He messes up your hair and you find what you thought his eyes were trying to comfort you before, is true. "I know, buddy. I know. I know exactly how you feel, believe it or not. I hate it here, too and last night…I-I cried. "

You blink. Mako never admits to when he cries. He tries to hide it as much as possible. It must really be bad for him. And that's how you_ truly_ know he shares these feelings with you. And that realization alone almost makes you tear up.

_It's not just you_, you tell yourself. It's not just you, after all these past few days thinking you were alone in these feelings and that there was something really wrong with you.

It's not just you. Mako knows. Mako feels it, too. And after these past few months of meeting Korra, falling in and out of love, with heart break in between, being kidnapped by _Amon _all because you wanted to make Mako proud, almost getting your bending stolen-_ permanently_- and the whole attack on the city with the Equalist Revolution starting a war, you had felt that you were going lose your brother, the only family you had left was slipping away and barely having anytime for you to the point where you afraid to talk to him and see someone else look back. You're biggest fear was coming true that Mako and you were starting to drift apart, he didn't need you anymore. No one did. No one did. You were just a burden to him and everyone. Mako didn't need you anymore.

You rather have your bending taken again and again and again, and starve to death on the streets again, _anything,_ than have your brother drift away from you.

But this moment, now. This moment and these shared feelings and the look in your older brother's eyes; it was like it was the two of you again fighting for survival. Right here and now, you had never felt so close to your brother. You knew that if Mako felt it, too, than he really did care, he really did realize you were still here and still needed him.

And most of all, he still needed you.

And all of which was why you hug him, there and then.

You rap you arm around him neck and let him put his head in your chest for a good minute and it doesn't matter who looks at you because you can show the world how much you love your brother!

But then the food is starting to come out and you have to pull away because everyone is supposed to be silent and still and wait to say the evening prayer and _then_, dig in like it might be the_ last_ _meal they ever eat and they don't understand at all. _And you _hate _that. With everything you are, you hate how_ ungrateful _they are, how they don't know how lucky they are. It _disgust_s you.

But that part of the evening hasn't started yet. The worst is still yet to come. And you can't get rid of this nagging feeling in your chest like something's gonna set you off.

Mako smiles at you. You smile back for his benefit, only. He coughs, awkward because he is still embarrassed to give hugs in public, but alone he gives you the best hugs ever without shame.

Lastly, he whispers to you, but you don't catch it, and a huge plate of…_something…_plops in front of you, but because you are used to eating garbage and _worse_ or starving to death, the sight doesn't faze you. At least you know it's _meant_ to be eaten. You're just interested in what it could quiet possibly be. All though it gets an "_eeeeeewwwwww"_ from one of the twins and a disgruntled look from the Aunt.

You scoff at their reactions and find that Mako has done the same. You look at each other and smile again.

He whispers in your ear, "But the Winter festival is tomorrow and we're leaving the day after, okay? Just one more day, then were home."

You sigh, "Thank you."

Then it happens. You regret it. No. You don't. Because, he, - _Desna_- whatever his name is, the _male_ twin who looks like a girl, says it. You knew something was going to set him off tonight. Desna probably is trying to mess with you. The look he gives you says _"hate"_

You remember, hours later, what happened.

"Eeeeeewwwwwww! Gross, what is this?!" Desna had complained loudly.

"Desna! Don't be rude!" His mother said.

"It's fried seal- otter brains. Everyone eats it, Desna, dear." Senna, Korra's mom replies to her nephew, leaving no room for arguing.

"It looks like garbage! I rather starve to death out there!"

Something snaps in you, a furious feeling builds in your chest- the _ungrateful creepy kid._ Your hands fist and before you can stop yourself, you retort, "Oh, really now? You think you got what it takes? Well, I'll have you know, I've had garbage that looked better than you! Go try it out and sleep in an ally for the night; you won't last! But at least your hair's long enough; maybe it'll make a good pillow or stop the thugs from beating you up because you shouldn't hit girls!"

"Bo…" Mako tries to make a warning tone, but he's chuckling under his breath, "You're ruthless," he utters the complement.

Everyone besides your brother is staring at you in shock; Desna looks absolutely modified and a part of can't help but smile.

Sweet revenge.

You don't know what has possessed you at the moment, but finaly you are standing up for yourself- however, a bit rudly. You always try to see the good in people, but Desna just wasn't worth the effort.

But damn, you just earned you own spot in an alleyway tonight.

Oh, well. There's a full moon tonight so Yue can keep you company.

For the first time in your life, you've felt ruthless and badass and it feels so good.

Maybe it wasn't so bad here after all.

To be continued…


End file.
